I always felt I was destined for greatness. As a child, I imagined myself famous. I imagined myself a leader without courage, a beacon of hope by existence. I said I wanted to grow up to be a princess. When I got older, I started feeling like a savior. I started self-sacrificing for others, bending my shoulders to my ears, carrying invisible belongings to destinations unknown to their owners. I started acting like one of those invisible packages, a weight unseen but so heavy, and I belonged to everyone but me. I am here for you, I am here to serve. I thought I was not great, but if I saved someone great, then inevitably, the prophecy would unfold — I was destined for greatness, and someone great was going to save me in return. I’m older today, everyday, and I have been suspecting what I have really been saving up is myself. Saving me like an overflowing second bank account, when the checking is in the negatives. Money under the mattress, the princess might never be able to feel the pea, but I have back pain from being hunched over my iPhone so much.
I have often felt unconventional. I used to think that made me be better, but feel worse.
Capitalism has been weird. I was able to enter at a higher level in the game, but every time I tried to advance, I couldn’t figure out how to. Instead, I found myself running around and shouting the game was rigged. It was a game nobody should be playing, but we all are, and I guess I’ve been losing, sliding down levels, as I try to convince myself everyone else can play but I don’t deserve to. Capitalism is a game we play alone, and if nobody was on my team, then I was not worthy of earning, of living, of being. I’m older today, everyday, and I have been suspecting that I’m just as worthy. I think I have a cheat code to another game, and it is — knowing that nobody is better than anybody, and nobody can assign true worth to anybody.
I just don’t know what this other game is. But I do know, I’m here to figure it out. It’s not a solitary game, and nobody is going to win without their team. I thought I could decide my own worth, but I’m no different than anyone else.
the and times 